dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
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