a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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