Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
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