I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
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