i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
drunken yoga. on the beach. senior week. you have been chosen <3
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
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