stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
I just sucked dick on a ferry
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
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