if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
Kind of a slow process. Played 9 holes with her yesterday. Wish one of them was hers
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
Randomize
