just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
you know who we are? We're the female white stoner version of Kenan and Kel.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
Randomize
