I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
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