I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
