so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
I miss the good ol' days when we would yell at strangers from your balcony while wearing our mexican ponchos in the middle of the day.
what ever happened to our old dealer?
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
Randomize
