I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
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