pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
After last night's events, I googled "how to change your life direction." I found a really helpful ehow.com article.
Ketchup is God's man juice
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
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