Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
Randomize
