i think my mom watched the whole time
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
Randomize
