I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
She's still too new to the group to be comfortable with us just sitting down as a group and watching porn on the tv.
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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