The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
Its not like he dircectly choose a cheeseburger over sex, it was more like I said seductively "I really appreciate this and I'm going to make it up to you anyway I can" and he replied "i want a bacon cheeseburger"
i guess he just knew i was going to sleep with him either way
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
