btw.sex in the wood isnt as romantic as it seems.heels kept sinking in the dirt and pine needles were sticking to the fishnets
i wish i had your life
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
Randomize
