he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
Randomize
