I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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