we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
I remember nothing of last night, but I did manage to figure out which frats I went to by the trails of straw across campus.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
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