Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
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