I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
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Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
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