Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
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