I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
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