my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
It has now been 10 days since we last saw Sebastians penis
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
