Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
Randomize
