Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
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