Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
I just cut my nipple shaving
I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Randomize
