i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
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woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
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Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
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