was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
quadriplegic porn is always funny
no. no its not
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
