They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
