A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Randomize
