Cold hands, warm shart.
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
theres gunna be a new season of 16 and pregnant on mtv...WHERE DO THEY KEEP FINDING THESE IGNORANT PREGNANT GIRLS
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
Randomize
