i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
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