Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
