I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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