i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
Randomize
