Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
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