Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
Randomize
