The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
I supernannyed him into submission
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
Randomize
