who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Randomize