So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
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For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
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