we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
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