Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
i'm watching degrassi (go figure) and the episode is about jimmy not being able to get a boner and now he's famous and rapping about popping pussies..i dont get it.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
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