From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
remind me not buy ky at kmart ever again. Had to get a manager to open the locked case. then he stood there and watched me look through the selection
I hate that ur telling me this.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
Randomize
