i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
he wanted to have me eat skittles off of his body. he mad gay sex even gayer.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
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