if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
