fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Randomize
