please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
tuesday night obama will do an address about the oil spill at 8... it'll only be about 15 minutes... but i think thats plenty of time for a drinking game. key words "oil" "bp" and "responsibility"?
Fuck yes. Let's make bingo cards.
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
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