that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
I just cut my nipple shaving
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
