This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
I told him he can't put it there till we're exclusive. That's totally The Relationship Hole.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
I don't think boys are aware how difficult it is to take a picture of your own ass.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
I was not drunk enough for that final.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
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