Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
Omg I joined a choir last night...
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