oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
Randomize
