just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
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