do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Randomize
